Definition of Divorce:
1. To dissolve the marriage contract of, either wholly or partially; to separate by divorce.
2. To separate or disunite; to sunder.
3. To make away; to put away.
Ever since my dad's recent relapse, this word 'divorce' has been dominating my heart, soul and mind. I have been trying hard to seek answers. Seeking answers to baffling questions such as: What caused the relapse? Why did he break his promise? Why doesnt he want to see himself and us happy? Why does he deliberately want to absent himself from our lives again? Why did he start abusing my mum? Why doesnt my mum want to divorce him? Why does she keep deceiving us time and again by giving us the false assurance that she will? Why does she, a highly educated, spiritual woman, allow herself to be emotionally trampled by her companion, who is supposed to celebrate, treasure and cherish her for the kindred, compassionate, beautiful soul that she is? Why does she allow the 'love of her life' to strip her off her very inner core?
Light- bulb moment! I finally came to this realisation. As a daughter of an alcoholic, I will never know why my dad allows a bottle to take precedence over his family. As a daughter of an abused mother, I will never understand why she wants to put up with his constant torments. From one woman to another, all I can do is respect her decision. As a daughter, who has been fighting tooth and nail to see her mother in utter peace and bliss, all I can do henceforth is support her choice. It's about time I give up fighting for my mother's happiness. I dont wish to fight my dad, mum and myself anymore. If this is the life my mum has chosen for herself, let it be. I wish her well. Infact, I wish both of them well. On my path to self-discovery, however, I have learnt that I can only become a better soul if I eliminate certain negative factors in my life. Here's the list of factors that I want to divorce myself from:
1. I want to divorce myself from my alcoholic father. I don't wish to trudge on the toxic path to self-destruction because of him, ever again.
2. I want to divorce myself from anguish and despair.
3. I want to divorce myself from hatred.
4. I want to divorce myself from anger.
5. I want to divorce myself from sadness.
6. I want to divorce myself from low self-esteem.
7. I want to divorce myself from bitterness.
8. I want to divorce myself from arrogance and hostility.
9. I want to divorce myself from the fear of being judged.
10. Ultimately, I want to divorce myself from my old self.
I deserve to be happy and I will strive to achieve that ultimate freedom, which finally releases my soul from the clutches of my inner demons. Here's to a NEW, POSITIVE, PEACEFUL AND BLISSFUL SOUL :):):)
