Definition of Divorce:
1. To dissolve the marriage contract of, either wholly or partially; to separate by divorce.
2. To separate or disunite; to sunder.
3. To make away; to put away.
Ever since my dad's recent relapse, this word 'divorce' has been dominating my heart, soul and mind. I have been trying hard to seek answers. Seeking answers to baffling questions such as: What caused the relapse? Why did he break his promise? Why doesnt he want to see himself and us happy? Why does he deliberately want to absent himself from our lives again? Why did he start abusing my mum? Why doesnt my mum want to divorce him? Why does she keep deceiving us time and again by giving us the false assurance that she will? Why does she, a highly educated, spiritual woman, allow herself to be emotionally trampled by her companion, who is supposed to celebrate, treasure and cherish her for the kindred, compassionate, beautiful soul that she is? Why does she allow the 'love of her life' to strip her off her very inner core?
Light- bulb moment! I finally came to this realisation. As a daughter of an alcoholic, I will never know why my dad allows a bottle to take precedence over his family. As a daughter of an abused mother, I will never understand why she wants to put up with his constant torments. From one woman to another, all I can do is respect her decision. As a daughter, who has been fighting tooth and nail to see her mother in utter peace and bliss, all I can do henceforth is support her choice. It's about time I give up fighting for my mother's happiness. I dont wish to fight my dad, mum and myself anymore. If this is the life my mum has chosen for herself, let it be. I wish her well. Infact, I wish both of them well. On my path to self-discovery, however, I have learnt that I can only become a better soul if I eliminate certain negative factors in my life. Here's the list of factors that I want to divorce myself from:
1. I want to divorce myself from my alcoholic father. I don't wish to trudge on the toxic path to self-destruction because of him, ever again.
2. I want to divorce myself from anguish and despair.
3. I want to divorce myself from hatred.
4. I want to divorce myself from anger.
5. I want to divorce myself from sadness.
6. I want to divorce myself from low self-esteem.
7. I want to divorce myself from bitterness.
8. I want to divorce myself from arrogance and hostility.
9. I want to divorce myself from the fear of being judged.
10. Ultimately, I want to divorce myself from my old self.
I deserve to be happy and I will strive to achieve that ultimate freedom, which finally releases my soul from the clutches of my inner demons. Here's to a NEW, POSITIVE, PEACEFUL AND BLISSFUL SOUL :):):)
cheers to that!!! You deserve it! =)
ReplyDelete-Karla
:) I teared up reading that. Your honesty and open-ness is refreshing. Remember its always NOW....and in the present moment is when a shift from the old to the new can happen. Some call that shift a "miracle"...because it can be things like forgiveness flowering, or letting go or looking at old things in a new way or relating to life in a new way....which aren't easy. The present moment is the doorway....I try to remember these things myself. Best Wishes & Thanks again for sharing. *hugs* --Jeremy
ReplyDeletewow...big thoughts and decisions, well done, and you are so right, you do deserve to be happy...that is a great list. Katie
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is to walk away from difficulties with parents. You want things so differently than where they are. It's been 11 years since I've spoken with my mother. Initially it wasn't my choice, but I realized our relationship was absolutely toxic. The more I wanted things different, the more they weren't. She was incredibly abusive and I finally woke up one day, having my own light bulb moment, and realized she just can't be who I want her to be. I pray for her, wanting only good things. I know that you will find the peace to walk through this. By the way, I love your site. Thanks for visiting mine and being soo supportive! Your words always mean so much ;-)
ReplyDeleteWow, Families can be hard :(
ReplyDeleteGood on you for wanting to change things about yourself. It's a great list! Many of the things I need to change about myself too. Maybe we can hold hands in divorce court? lol
*hugs*
Karla- Cheers to both of us :)
ReplyDeleteJeremy- It was my reply to your post that got me reflecting this deep. Remember that I said I want to live in the moment not the past or future?I want to do just that and thank you for being the inspiration :). *hugs*
Katie- Sometimes, we have to step out of our comfort zone to make big decisions. Decisions that help pave our way to happiness.If we do not step out,we will always be stuck in an emotional rut.Thank you :)
Down in Sunny-I hope you and I can find the peace together :). Thank you for sharing the bitter memories. It must be tough but sometimes sharing helps us heal. Hope you heal soon :)
Chantel- Let me know when and where. I will be there ;) *hugs*
Are you facing any techincal glitches when you try to post your comments on my blog?
ReplyDeleteyou seem like an amazing person.. Cheers to the new you :) We should all do something like this :)
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
ReplyDeleteHi ~ Wishing you only the best as you work through all of this. Last year, when I turned 51, I went to a counselor for the first time in my life to help me deal with my 'dad' and 'mom' issues. Wish I had gone long before. It was an empowering experience. Take care.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I have had a difficult time leaving comments here. Hopefully Blogger has it all fixed! :)
Thanks Deb :). At this point in my life, spirituality helps to keep me sane and grounded.I have realised that I have to work myself towards happiness.The journey is not going to be easy but being the resilient soul that I am, Im sure I would cross the brige, beaming with happiness in time to come. Thanks again and yes I too hope that blogger has all these glitches fixed a.s.a.p.
ReplyDeleteThose are ten good things to divorce yourself from....
ReplyDeleteI relate to so much of what you are saying in this post! My father died when I was a baby, but my mom remarried when I was 5, and their marriage is the portrait that you paint in this message.
ReplyDeleteI wasted so many years held captive to his hateful words. Even after I offered forgiveness to him, he still hadn't changed, which made me feel resentful towards God. I remember getting upset with God, thinking "What was the point of forgiving him when he didn't change?"... and in that moment, He whispered ever so boldly to my heart--
"It wasn't meant to change him."
I heard the message loud and clear. And I realized in that moment, while it hadn't changed my step-dad, it had changed me. I hadn't even realized it, the change was so subtle and gradual.
Beth what you just shared was truly beautiful. Thats the point I'm at now. I've passed the stage of wanting or hoping to see him change. Not only him but my mum as well. If this is the path they have chosen for themselves, we as kids cant do much but accept it.But at the same time have the ability to use our discretion and discrimination power so that we are able to remove ourselves from a highly toxic relationship. Thank You again for sharing :).
ReplyDeleteYou will struggle with guilt, for certain... but remember again, if they end up isolated, it is because they have chosen that life through their own actions. Accepting the way people are is is NOT the same thing as allowing them to mistreat you or poison your life with their intentional pain.
ReplyDeleteVery profound indeed.Will bear that in mind and live by it:). Thanks *hugs*
ReplyDelete