Bringing some lightheartedness into my day

Here's a collection of funny quotes and funny thoughts to tickle my funny bone. Boy, dont I need a good, hearty laugh!

Funny Quotes and Funny Thoughts

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
-- Robert Frost

A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
-- Erica Jong

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
-- Gandhi

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
-- Winston Churchill

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
-- Oscar Wilde

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
-- Margaret Mead

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.
-- Garrison Keillor

Buy land. They've stopped making it.
-- Mark Twain

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
-- George Burns

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
-- Robert Frost

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain

Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
-- Josh Billings

Everyone told me to pass on Speed because it was a 'bus movie.
-- Sandra Bullock

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
-- Oscar Wilde

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
-- Roseanne Barr

For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.
-- Matthew Broderick

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
-- Author Unknown

He who laughs, lasts.
-- Mary Pettibone Poole

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
-- Author Unknown

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
-- Author Unknown

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Noel Coward

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-- David Bissonnett

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield.

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
-- Gilda Radner

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-- Author Unknown

If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
-- Author Unknown

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
-- George Bernard Shaw

If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
-- Margaret Thatcher

If you rest, you rust.
-- Helen Hayes

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

It's better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep.
-- Benito Mussollini

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.
-- Marilyn Munroe

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.
-- Montaigne

My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing.
-- Jessica Alba

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-- Erma Bombeck

Never make the same mistake twice or you'll never get around to all of them.
-- Author Unknown

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-- Mark Twain

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
-- Rita Mae Brown

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
-- Author Unknown

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
-- Oscar Wilde

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
-- Charles Bukowski

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
-- Somerset Maugham

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.
-- Joe Girard

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.
-- Henry Ward Beecher

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
-- Issac Asimov

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-- Helen Hayes (at 73)

The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.
-- German Proverb

The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.
-- Kenneth Williams

The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.
-- Thomas Holcroft

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
-- George Carlin

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
-- Helen Rowland

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
-- Janet Coleman

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
-- Joe Namath

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
-- George Burns

We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.
-- George Bernard Shaw

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller

When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.
-- Walter Lippmann

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So, what the hell, leap!
-- Cynthia Heimel

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-- Elayne Boosler

Whether women are better than men I cannot say—but I can say they are certainly no worse.
-- Golda Meir

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow

Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.
-- Plato

Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
-- Oscar Wilde

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-- Roseanne Barr

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.
-- Elsa Schiaparelli