Crossroad of Uncertainties

Crossroad of Uncertainties 1- Being raised in an environment engulfed by the family disease called alcoholism, not even once did I ever think my father would change for the better. But to my pleasant surprise and disbelief, he did and now I'm rejoicing over the existence of a beautiful bond that had left a vacuum in my heart all these years!

Crossroad of Uncertainties 2- Being a slow learner amid two 'Einsteins' in my family, I never once thought I would attain a degree. But to my pleasant surprise I did, that too at the age of 30 and I'm damn proud of myself!

Crossroad of Uncertainties 3- Being the chubby girl with loads of low esteem, I never once thought that I would lose weight and get my esteem back. But to my pleasant surprise I did and now I'm exulting!

Crossroad of Uncertainties 4- Being abused emotionally in a string of past relationships, I never once thought that I would find true love. But to my pleasant surprise I did and I'm now swimming in sheer bliss!

Crossroad of Uncertainties 5- Being born into a conservative and traditional family, I never once thought that my family would easily embrace my inter-racial relationship without any inhibitions and judgments. But to my pleasant surprise, they did with their arms wide open and with so much ease and I'm truly grateful to them!

Crossroad of Uncertainties 6- Being a mother of 0 for the last three years, I never once thought that I, the embodiment of positivity and optimism, will be on the brink of giving up hope to experience the beauty of motherhood. However, today, I fervently started believing that one day(hopefully soon) I will be adding this line to my post, "But to my pleasant surprise and disbelief, we have finally created God's precious gift of love!!!!!!!!!!!!"


p.s: Thank You Karla and Elle for returning my hope, in its full glory, back to me. You have no idea how uplifting your comments were :).

Do You Hear Me Now?

You are here there everywhere,

You seem to hear me all the time.

You do not fail to fulfill my innermost desires no matter how minute they are,
Even without me asking.

But why are you playing games with me now,
When I need you the most?

Why is my one and only deepest desire still unfulfilled?

A 16 year old delivers a healthy baby boy,
then throws him in the garbage like some old broken toy.

A drug addict has 3 beautiful little ones,
and beats them black and blue for nothing they have done.

A worn-out woman with already more than she can bear,
sighs dissapointedly when she sees two lines are there.

Already a mother of 6, a single divorced woman has 8 more,
Now thats what I call a BABY GALORE!

Where did I go wrong?
What did I do wrong?

All I want is a bundle of joy to cherish and love,
You alone now can give me the blessing from above.

With all the painful waitings,
My patience is slowly growing into despair!

Utter Devastation

My beloved and I have been trying to conceive for sometime now. The last few days have been really trying for both of us. My period was delayed by a few days. For someone who has been very regular and spot on, this delay was seen as a glimmer of hope for two souls who have been wanting to experience the bliss of parenthood desperately. We thought we had finally hit the jackpot. Carried away with a combination of excitement and anxiety, I even started looking up the net for our baby's due date (despite cautioning dh and mum not to get too optimistic). Our bundle of joy was supposed to arrive on or around 23rd of September. 3 days later, that excitement shortlived. My 'best friend' arrived last evening. Guess she was suffering from a hangover...thus the delay. Cried for a few minutes upon seeing her. Then I pieced myself together. Enough of crying...its time to move on. I went on with my daily routine with a heavy heart just wanting the dreadful day to end. I could so relate to this saying now: MAN PROPOSES, GOD DISPOSES. At least, that's the only way we can console ourselves and continue to look forward to a promising future. For now, we will keep on hanging onto a fine thread called HOPE. Keeping our fingers crossed and waiting patiently....for God's disposal.

What would be Your 'Miracle' Tool for Weight Loss?

For most of us who are battling with weighty issues, don't we ever wonder how wonderful it would be if we can just discover one tool that would make our journey to transformation much easier and smoother? When I first started Weight Watchers, I was like a kid in a candy store. The whole 'transform yourself' journey was very fascinating. I started counting points diligently and made a conscious effort not to fall off the wagon. However, after sometime, I became kinda bored of counting points for every morsel I put in my mouth. The no count programme was not my cup of tea either. This struggle became a daily ongoing battle for me as I found the process too mechanical (but I still persevered and succeeded). Please dont get me wrong. I wasnt becoming complacent. On the contrary, I was really desperate for a more dynamic approach to keep myself motivated.

Afterall, one's journey doesnt stop when one reaches her goal weight. You have to work even harder to maintain that weight you have worked for diligently. That's when I started to ponder. Why cant we find other creative tools to make the entire process more, say, inspiring? For example, talking your weight away. We need not go to counsellors or pyschiatrists for that. Why cant we form a face-to-face support network where we could unleash all our inner demons without being petrified of being judged. Let me dwell deeper into this. Through this tailored support network, you put yourself out there without any inhibitions. You share your battle with strangers who are travelling in the same boat. By doing that, you help them realise that they are not alone and so are you. You might even be able to find like minded people in your very own community or close proximity (someone who could be there for you even physically). Either way, you could help others along as you rediscover yourself....the self that has been held as a prisoner by your very own weight.

From my own experience, this is the kind of support I would have loved to enjoy. I started battling with my inner demons only after losing weight. It was then that I came to this realisation that both these issues should be handled simultaneously. The moment you share your insecurities, you feel lighter emotionally and physically, because you have stripped yourself down to your innermost being. You are now on the path to healing. Wouldnt that be an adrenaline rush itself? Once you have realised the real cause behind your weight issues,then you are on the right path to resolving them.

This realisation is likely to free yourself from the clutches of your inner demons. The positive energy which you get from your new found freedom can be channelled towards your innermost being. Even exercising becomes much easier as it has become part of your identity rather than a chore. You wanting to take control of your body becomes your second nature. You do not need other incentives to lose weight. The biggest incentive you could get by losing weight is YOU...A NEW YOU, who is no longer stuck in a emotional rut and feels like a million dollars. Wouldnt that be just wonderful! This is my 'miracle' tool. What would yours be?

Nourishing Souls With Compliments

Have you ever wondered what stops one from complimenting or appreciating your gestures, no matter how minute they are? Why do souls take each other for granted? Why is it so easy for one to shower you with criticisms but not compliments? If we could make a conscious effort to eat healthily just to nourish our body, why cant we do the same by nourishing someone's soul with appreciation and compliments? Does it boil down to cultural differences or the way we were nutured?

Complimenting can be therapeutic for us. If you ask me, I would say compliments generate mutual feelings of happiness and joy between the givers and recipients. Compliments to others are like small gifts we give ourselves when we pay attention to how we appreciate those around us. The interesting part about compliments is that the giver can be transformed by the experience.

How many of us have made an attempt to notice the good that people do to us instead of looking at their negatives? How many of us are aware that giving compliments validates their presence? By simply expressing how impressed we are, we make them feel acknowledged. Ultimately, we make them feel less alone and show them that we care. We need not go the extra mile for this. A genuine smile, a sincere: "thank you", "you look ravishing", "this dish tastes fantastic" is all it takes.

Why is such a simple, effortless gesture so tough for one to put in place I wonder? Would love to know your take on this.

Weighty Confessions of the Soul

Hmmm... where do I start! I've never been an ardent fan of writing. My 3 years in the varsity were good enough to drain all my creative juices out of me. Thanks to my lecturers, I was suddenly attacked by a deadly syndrome. The joke of the century was that I was struck by this curse in my final semester. I was drowning in this vicious sea called the writer's block syndrome. Not one word came out of my small cutsey brain. Oh well... the nightmare is FINALLY over. It better be after 2 years of recuperation. So here I am. Ready to blog myself away.

This year, I came to the realisation that I can only heal completely if I share my innermost secrets with the universe. The universe is my church for confessions...for now.

I have been a fervent believer of the very fact that words do have the power to heal. Especially when you share it with the universe. You come to realise that you are not alone and you will never be. These very words of ours do also have the power to attract positive, beautiful souls into our lives. That is what my innerbeing is yearning for I believe!

Firstly, please do allow me to walk you down the path of my painful memory lane. God has been kind or shall I say more than kind to me in one regard: He over blessed me with a 'healthily plump' figure. I wish he chanelled his blessings towards creating a highly intellectual, self-confident and highly-esteemed me. But oh no! He decided to short change me in those areas through crisis. From young, I've been at the centre of mockery wherever I went: School, family gatherings, friends. I was even too ashamed to eat in my school canteen. I would be famished. Don't get me wrong, I do have hunger pangs too. But if I see a group of students, sitting beside me, laughing their heads off, I'd immediately throw my food away without even touching a morsel. Born in a family of athletes, I was, yours truly, a blacksheep. How I wished I could run as fast as my brothers...lets forget the word fast. How I wished I could just RUNNNNN! But I couldn't... thanks to you my dearest friend ASTHMA. So I would sit out every physical education class so that I could be spared the ridicule of being mocked. It did not help that my uniform was not that flattering either. Fast forward...


I'm now stepping into adulthood. Still not being spared from the constant ridicules of family and friends. They love using me as the butt of their jokes. It is every young woman's dream to dress up fashionably and pose like Tyra Banks for snapshots. In my case, the Asian retail industry was my number one enemy followed by cameras. Boy, did I detest walking into malls, trying on clothes (which were only deemed fit for walking sticks in the disguise of the human anatomies) and seeing myself in those photographs. Slimming pills came to my rescue. They hung around me not for long though. I said adios to them after 3 good years. May your souls rest in peace and may you vanish without any traces from my system. Fast forward...


I'm in my late twenties. I've had enough of dramas in my life. I have decided not to play the victim anymore. It was like an awakening. I wanted to take control of my life. I went overseas with the support of my beautiful family. You guys ROCK! Pursued my degree. In the process of healing, not only did I rediscover myself, but love as well. I met the man of my dreams. The man who slowly helped me gain control of my life. August 2006, I joined Weight Watchers and that was one of my major milestones. My life fully transformed. I realised that weight loss is not a destination but a journey. A tough one at that too. But with my will power, discipline and my beloveds' ardent support, I started to embrace all challenges with open arms. Lo and behold, I started shedding weight. Running in the public without any inhibitions became part of my identity. Infact, I found running very therapeutic. I started running my pain away. Buying clothes were no longer an issue. Even my worst enemy at one point, the scales, became my best pal. I started looking forward to our once-a-week meetings eagerly(I still do). It has been a pleasure knowing you my friend. Fast forward...


I'm in my early thirties now. The path to self-discovery has been an uphill task. With my 2 newly discovered tools to weight loss, exercise and portion control, I'm able to keep my weight down and in check. This 6 letter word, WEIGHT, which once upon a time, stripped me of my very identity, esteem, confidence and above all, my sheer existence, has now bestowed upon me the power of wisdom, knowledge and healing. The knowledge on how to treat your body as a sacred temple and not abuse it. The wisdom to pave your way towards your inner bliss and peace. If you believe in yourself, YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING and YOU DESERVE THE BEST AND NOTHING LESS have been my mantras ever since. And not to forget the beauty of healing, which has helped me expand my horizon of self worth. I have opened myself up to the world.... especially to those who once inflicted pain on me. The power of forgiveness is unfathomable. Dare I say, that the reason behind my present harmonious relationship with my ex-alcoholic father, boiled down to one fundamental factor... Me losing weight. Had I not lost weight, I would still have been a prisoner of my own insecurities and pains. I would have done injustice to myself by not opening my heart and letting the power of forgiveness take control. The path to healing, as challenging as it was, has opened up this beautiful relationship that I never dreamt would ever take place... that of a father and daughter bonding without any resentments, hurt or anger. Just a relationship solely based on love.


Weight has not been the only enemy I have battled with all those years. Dynamic experiences, such as an alcoholic father, being molested by a hairdresser at the age of 12 and then again at the age of 14 by a maths tutor, a string of abusive relationships(was on my path to self-destruction), best friends who loved playing mind games, and a workforce where I was sexually and emotionally harrassed, have also played significant roles in my life. But without life throwing its curve ball at me, I won't be what I am today. I owe everything I am today to all these souls. My "Survivor of Adversities" Award, which I got from the universe, goes to all of you who made my life a LIVING HELL.

I would love all of you to know that with an amazing support from beautiful souls like a selfless mum, brothers, hubby and a godma, the sky is the limit for wandering souls like me. They are and will always be my pillars of strength. Thank you for being with me this far. I am here to stay and you will be hearing more from me!

May God bless you all and may 2009 be OURS to conquer :). Cheers to blogging!