Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Weighty Confessions of the Soul

Hmmm... where do I start! I've never been an ardent fan of writing. My 3 years in the varsity were good enough to drain all my creative juices out of me. Thanks to my lecturers, I was suddenly attacked by a deadly syndrome. The joke of the century was that I was struck by this curse in my final semester. I was drowning in this vicious sea called the writer's block syndrome. Not one word came out of my small cutsey brain. Oh well... the nightmare is FINALLY over. It better be after 2 years of recuperation. So here I am. Ready to blog myself away.

This year, I came to the realisation that I can only heal completely if I share my innermost secrets with the universe. The universe is my church for confessions...for now.

I have been a fervent believer of the very fact that words do have the power to heal. Especially when you share it with the universe. You come to realise that you are not alone and you will never be. These very words of ours do also have the power to attract positive, beautiful souls into our lives. That is what my innerbeing is yearning for I believe!

Firstly, please do allow me to walk you down the path of my painful memory lane. God has been kind or shall I say more than kind to me in one regard: He over blessed me with a 'healthily plump' figure. I wish he chanelled his blessings towards creating a highly intellectual, self-confident and highly-esteemed me. But oh no! He decided to short change me in those areas through crisis. From young, I've been at the centre of mockery wherever I went: School, family gatherings, friends. I was even too ashamed to eat in my school canteen. I would be famished. Don't get me wrong, I do have hunger pangs too. But if I see a group of students, sitting beside me, laughing their heads off, I'd immediately throw my food away without even touching a morsel. Born in a family of athletes, I was, yours truly, a blacksheep. How I wished I could run as fast as my brothers...lets forget the word fast. How I wished I could just RUNNNNN! But I couldn't... thanks to you my dearest friend ASTHMA. So I would sit out every physical education class so that I could be spared the ridicule of being mocked. It did not help that my uniform was not that flattering either. Fast forward...

I'm now stepping into adulthood. Still not being spared from the constant ridicules of family and friends. They love using me as the butt of their jokes. It is every young woman's dream to dress up fashionably and pose like Tyra Banks for snapshots. In my case, the Asian retail industry was my number one enemy followed by cameras. Boy, did I detest walking into malls, trying on clothes (which were only deemed fit for walking sticks in the disguise of the human anatomies) and seeing myself in those photographs. Slimming pills came to my rescue. They hung around me not for long though. I said adios to them after 3 good years. May your souls rest in peace and may you vanish without any traces from my system. Fast forward...

I'm in my late twenties. I've had enough of dramas in my life. I have decided not to play the victim anymore. It was like an awakening. I wanted to take control of my life. I went overseas with the support of my beautiful family. You guys ROCK! Pursued my degree. In the process of healing, not only did I rediscover myself, but love as well. I met the man of my dreams. The man who slowly helped me gain control of my life. August 2006, I joined Weight Watchers and that was one of my major milestones. My life fully transformed. I realised that weight loss is not a destination but a journey. A tough one at that too. But with my will power, discipline and my beloveds' ardent support, I started to embrace all challenges with open arms. Lo and behold, I started shedding weight. Running in the public without any inhibitions became part of my identity. Infact, I found running very therapeutic. I started running my pain away. Buying clothes were no longer an issue. Even my worst enemy at one point, the scales, became my best pal. I started looking forward to our once-a-week meetings eagerly(I still do). It has been a pleasure knowing you my friend. Fast forward...

I'm in my early thirties now. The path to self-discovery has been an uphill task. With my 2 newly discovered tools to weight loss, exercise and portion control, I'm able to keep my weight down and in check. This 6 letter word, WEIGHT, which once upon a time, stripped me of my very identity, esteem, confidence and above all, my sheer existence, has now bestowed upon me the power of wisdom, knowledge and healing. The knowledge on how to treat your body as a sacred temple and not abuse it. The wisdom to pave your way towards your inner bliss and peace. If you believe in yourself, YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING and YOU DESERVE THE BEST AND NOTHING LESS have been my mantras ever since. And not to forget the beauty of healing, which has helped me expand my horizon of self worth. I have opened myself up to the world.... especially to those who once inflicted pain on me. The power of forgiveness is unfathomable. Dare I say, that the reason behind my present harmonious relationship with my ex-alcoholic father, boiled down to one fundamental factor... Me losing weight. Had I not lost weight, I would still have been a prisoner of my own insecurities and pains. I would have done injustice to myself by not opening my heart and letting the power of forgiveness take control. The path to healing, as challenging as it was, has opened up this beautiful relationship that I never dreamt would ever take place... that of a father and daughter bonding without any resentments, hurt or anger. Just a relationship solely based on love.

Weight has not been the only enemy I have battled with all those years. Dynamic experiences, such as an alcoholic father, being molested by a hairdresser at the age of 12 and then again at the age of 14 by a maths tutor, a string of abusive relationships(was on my path to self-destruction), best friends who loved playing mind games, and a workforce where I was sexually and emotionally harrassed, have also played significant roles in my life. But without life throwing its curve ball at me, I won't be what I am today. I owe everything I am today to all these souls. My "Survivor of Adversities" Award, which I got from the universe, goes to all of you who made my life a LIVING HELL.

I would love all of you to know that with an amazing support from beautiful souls like a selfless mum, brothers, hubby and a godma, the sky is the limit for wandering souls like me. They are and will always be my pillars of strength. Thank you for being with me this far. I am here to stay and you will be hearing more from me!

May God bless you all and may 2009 be OURS to conquer :). Cheers to blogging!


  1. Hi WS - Thanks for your visit and kind comment on my blog - I thought I'd return the favour.

    What an inspired and inspiring first post!! Beautiful!! I like how you set up the time line and revealed the process of recovery.

    One of the members of my home AA group is also a member of OA (Overeaters Anonymous) and through talks with him have come to appreciate just how difficult that journey is. Afterall, you MUST eat to survive. We NEED NOT drink alcohol. He has lost 100 lb and has maintained that for over a year. (diabetic and over 60)

    BTW - my daughter is a couple of years younger than you and spent a year in Seoul, S Korea at an ESL school. She is also in recovery having just celebrated 3 years sober. Yes, a family disease to be sure. She came by it honestly via her mother and I.

    I liked what you shared about your relationship with your father. S and I have a special one as well. When we are occasionally able to get together we always include a 12 step meeting - father & daughter outing.

    Congrats on your weight loss, the blog and enjoy the journey.

  2. Thanks Norm. I could understand where your friend is coming from. I have never been an emotional or over eater but I'm well aware how one could eat their emotions away. My vice, and a big one at that too, was just being plain LAZZZZY and a couch potato.I'm glad Im able to run for miles now. Couch to 5K programme rocks.


Your contribution is very much appreciated. Thank You :)